:: heartattackmachine ::

:: Sunday, December 29, 2002 ::

Averystill: no, i'm sorry. i've fouled up several friendships lately. i wanted to avoid any more trouble. i'm sorry i was rude.
getoutyershirt: it's ok
getoutyershirt: from the little I know of you, I was disapointed and worried that you didn't like me
getoutyershirt: and it made me feel really sad
getoutyershirt: and that's why I kept trying
getoutyershirt: I'm pretty resilient.
getoutyershirt: I wouldn't say that I'm a pushover, but I'm hard to get rid of.
getoutyershirt: what happened with the other relationships?
Averystill: i know it sounds silly, but even though i've made a lonely place for myself to live in, i don't want to make any friends. i'm sorry that means you are neglected. i'm not sure i really want to talk about those other relationships.
getoutyershirt: ok.
Averystill: ok
getoutyershirt: I understand. I just think you're the shit. I don't know.
getoutyershirt: you can't live that way your entire life. there'll be people who will bug you to death to let them in.
Averystill: i'm really not
getoutyershirt: that's your opinion
getoutyershirt: you don't know what I mean when I feel someone's the shit
Averystill: alright. but i still know that you're wrong. i'm not being modest.
getoutyershirt: it's not about being modest, ryan
getoutyershirt: I know what you're talking about or I think I know
getoutyershirt: that's not fucking right
getoutyershirt: if you know enough not to say you're the shit, then you go down as the shit in my book
getoutyershirt: I think I suck ass. or I feel I suck ass. pretty much all the fucking time. does that mean I do?
getoutyershirt: and you're not a bastard
getoutyershirt: or you wouldn't be saying that you're not the shit
getoutyershirt: you'd get fired up if someone else told you weren't
Averystill: listen kid. i'm going to go skate board now. i don't think either of us do very well. i don't really skate board.
Averystill: night kid.
getoutyershirt: why do you do that?
getoutyershirt: ok
getoutyershirt: bye.
Averystill signed off at 8:14:02 PM.

:: judy nguyen 5:31 PM [+] ::
...

I feel good and I feel like an ass.
sorry dave. I understand why now.

:: judy nguyen 5:49 PM [+] ::
...

I'll agree with dave on this one: people who don't get the irony (that includes boston phoenix writers) of charlie kaufman's new movie adaptation suck big, dirty asspipe. yum.
I'm also glad that I got john exactly the video game he secretly desired: hitman 2. it makes me far cooler than I would be if I had dropped the two hundred bucks for a xbox or the girlfriend of someone else we both know. I did clue him in instead of just landing it on him when I'll see him monday, but we all can't be perfect?

:: judy nguyen 1:59 PM [+] ::
...

thou shalt not kill
cliches may be cliches, but rarely does it seem that they are fully realized in the minds of those who employ them

:: judy nguyen 9:43 PM [+] ::
...

I don't know why but I lied earlier. it wasn't really a lie. at least concious me wasn't lying though I can't say much about my unconcious. anyway, the realize I now remember I didn't call out to them was a felt as if when I opened my mouth and even as hard as I tried to force it I couldn't feel my voice come out. I think I feel that way a lot. probably in real life because in dreams I feel pretty confident. so now I guess my dream psyche has been poisoned by the awake.
eventually, while giving up, I realized that they probably needed the shoes.

:: judy nguyen 10:03 AM [+] ::
...

I forgot to write about this earlier but last night I dreamed I was on one side of a building and I took off my shoes and walked to the other side where I might have met john and we did the stuff we do when we are together and out (whatever that is) and then when I walked back to the first side maybe solo I saw a woman and a small child taking my shoes they were far away enough so that if I stayed at the same pace they would have been across the street before I reached my shoes I thought about speaking up but it looked like they might have needed them

:: judy nguyen 7:29 PM [+] ::
...

well, it seems that many people I know are having a bad time this holiday season and the rest are having dull ones.
personally and right now, I feel purged and I feel as if I should apologize john for last night, but in the same breath, it's probably another situation where though I'm to blame it's not really a place for apology.
I was talking to mikale. I started, well, talking to him yesterday. the story, interesting or not, was that thom was talking about his large mishap the other day (readers can probably find the stories of what happened to my friends on their own. or not. I just don't know if it's my place.) which directed me to his journal which I really haven't looked at for a while. well, the last two comments were from some guy who went by mikale and had about a gazillion sn's (only one of which he, later revealed to me, that he actually uses). I don't know. for some reason I was curious, and I guess perhaps merely for the sake of it. or maybe not. anyway, I question thom about him and he tells me that they're actually talking right now and after what seems to me as strangely unnecessary trouble and thom telling me that he's being an asshole at the moment (later this was explained in less vague terms by mikale), I get mikale's sn and we start talking. I probably shouldn't journal every detail. well, eventually I stop acting weird in the way I'll act weird and he turns out to be a great guy and I realize that I might suffer from manic-depression and it feels weird to be able to share aspects of myself that I've never really been able to before. the search and encounter of someone like you in the world will apparently never end.
anyway, after some coaxing and some guilt and some boredom last night, I told dave I'd come over. well, I don't know why I'm writing so much. it felt very much like portnoy's holiday with pumpkin's family. you know, they don't cook white bread through all the way. I'm not really dissing the st. germain clan really. it just felt weird. a social group. there was another social group at my house too, but I didn't really belong there either. a social group of self-made's is a little bit of an oxymoron. anyway, I like his room, I never knew he was a computer geek (his word. not mine. I never knew. it's interesting. well, I'm trying to juggle words and the balls as usual are falling out of my hands.), I can use his server for my domain apparently, and the more I know about jehae the weirder I feel and so yeah.
I got woken up this morning to open some envelopes and I wonder if I should buy john a xbox, but I think I should approach him about the matter first. vicky's in a real muddle, and I think I should hang out with her sometime soon. watching ann dissect the boxes for her new bratz dolls (which made up the bulk of her christmas presents), it made me sort of sick and I knew if the political critic in me really wanted to run into the bathroom and throw up, it's likely I could've.

:: judy nguyen 9:45 AM [+] ::
...

a new coat that I've named after you know who.
wow, wilder's hot. I don't know.
I might buy a domain and you better not steal it.
john hasn't called yet.

:: judy nguyen 4:39 PM [+] ::
...

with a smashing snl debut, al gore has decided not to run?
screw that.

:: judy nguyen 3:10 PM [+] ::
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pictures of myself always seem to look sort of sinister. except for all the young ones now. sometimes I look well in the mirror.

:: judy nguyen 3:57 PM [+] ::
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I'm not quite sure what I'm doing here. smith scares me a little and john bought me a copy of the shorter oed. certain people welcome me here and seem content with my quiet. okay.

:: judy nguyen 3:56 PM [+] ::
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