:: heartattackmachine ::

:: Saturday, June 30, 2007 ::

so livejournal is down for scheduled maintenance so I can't announce my news there, but I think that liam and I are dating again. part of me thought it was inevitable.
I cried for a few seconds after we had sex.
he didn't stay over so he could go to bed at a more reasonable hour than 5 or 6 a.m. it's now 3:30. I might not see him until after I get back from my vacation if he goes to north dakota for the 4th, but I'm fine with that.

judy

:: judy nguyen 12:24 AM [+] ::
...

so I guess I'm finally back home again though under normal circumstances I would still be at work or would've actually gone in to work today.
I felt in total risk of throwing up this morning around the time I would've been preparing to get up and even right now after waking up at pretty much 1 in the afternoon (though honestly I was awake for a while and spent that time looking at swift sleeping) I don't think I would be able to make it.
last night was really intense and I'm pretty emotionally storm-tossed.
swift spent all yesterday do what seemed like a totally ridiculous and irresponsible (on the part of the person whose room was being painted) paint job. and though he was home when I finally got to his house (after accidentally watching stand up open mic at herrell's), he'd only been home for thirty seconds. I guess that was around nine o'clock.
I guess the reason I had come over was that I had mentioned to dan that it was a possibility and at some point he asked when I think I would actually come over and I was all like well if you'll have me over now I might as well not wait for swift. before that I had a conversation with carissa the girl who responded to my craigslist ad who seemed totally normal and sweet and I guess genuine.
so pretty much the usual stuff went down at swift's house until the moment when nate had gone to bed and swift had gone outside and then I guess dan and I were still hanging out in his room and we were talking like we don't (and swift and I don't either when other people are around). I guess I brought up that the main thing that was stressing me out was swift and I bookended that by saying that it was not as if we could talk about swift together and dan asked why not and then I wound up finally outlining what was going on but made the comment that after all the confessing dan still hadn't offered any information about what swift was like or what to do that I wouldn't know. well I don't think he offered anything. and really it sort of all brought to the forefront the fact that I know dan likes me and yes it's so easy to read the concern that will cross over my face and he wanted me to tell him what I thought he was thinking about me (or I append this by saying what actually happened was that I was thinking about what would happen if I hadn't met swift first out of the people in the group) just because he was curious (which isn't the truth) and I told him and he didn't respond in a helpful way. he just remarked that was funny.
and we wound up making out for about a minute (I didn't see swift at all until I left dan's room) and stopped and talked a little bit more I guess. me going well "you two guys are my two best friends right now" blahblahblah "we could still just make out." and we did and there wasn't really any second base action at all which I don't think I would have objected to and to be frank I don't know what stage of hooking up with dan I would have objected to if he even dared to push it beyond making out. I don't think I had a decision in the matter. I think this was totally inevitable actually even to the point where I'm am going to continue acting in a way where I don't actively acknowledge that this happened (of course I don't deny that it happened but it's not going to enter my decision making process right now). I think at some point I was going to have to bring up the fact that I totally knew dan has a thing for me and at the same time carrying my frustration from my uncertainty with swift.
after we stopped making out, dan asked where we go from here and I told him I wasn't going to make a decision. it was too sudden. he said he was probably going to go to bed at that point and eventually I left the room.
ran into swift and asked him what he had been doing during the time. I'm still incredulous he had no idea what was going on in dan's room. we push back the time we finally wind up in bed by watching clips of the young ones and eugene mirman on youtube or he's pushing back the time and I have no choice but to go along. we don't make out. it takes a while to convince him to touch me. I get to touch him for the first time in weeks and have an intense time fighting back the urge to bury my face in his crotch. he talks about how he can't do this with the uncertainty between us. I tell him we have to talk about this face to face. these conversations so far have only come up when we are drunk naked and in bed. he says he's not doing anything tomorrow.
I call in sick to work.
we go to the corner store so he can buy milk and sugar and I can buy a tv dinner.
I ask if maybe we could talk about what we were talking about talking about last night (this was totally intentional and prety much verbatim) though I append it by saying we don't have to right then. he brings up things that are different from what he usually does. something besides the point I can't really do anything about of how he wishes he could see the side of me that interacts with everyone else in the world and not the v.i.p. portion of my personality. I don't find that I can go into much detail about the conversation we had, but it's the clearest one so far. the points he had were totally valid and ones I would like to see resolved also, but I guess in a way my desire to (and I brought this up) is compromised by the feeling I've had for weeks that maybe this is totally not going to work out and how I spend my time constantly worrying about the next time I see him (and he asked why I was worried and I think I said I don't know at first and then he said well worried was a very specific word and I agreed but also said that it was the right one and well it probably had to do with the uncertainty issue and he said fair enough).
hanging out at his place is totally a bad situation if I want to pick up on one point we more or less agreed on. of course he said that doesn't necessarily have to be the case, but if we are in a group situation the uncertainty totally blocks us from actually interacting with one another until the drunk/naked/bed part of the evening. I told him we should go on a walk on saturday and that I will call him, and well I think that's finally it. thank god. and I can go back to bed.

:: judy nguyen 12:03 PM [+] ::
...

not sure how I feel.
and I probably wouldn't be unless stephen and I had an actual conversation about this (I mean that wouldn't take care of it entirely but it would help).

the fact that I would consider dating his roommate. well for several reasons:
he's interested in me
he would make a more dependable boyfriend
x reason in the terms of a particular hangup stephen has
I want to get back at stephen and that may also mean that I assume he doesn't care. maybe he would feel that it would be the best for me.

but then I wonder who am I kidding. well there are conflicting "who am I kidding"'s circulating about in the terms of this situation.
the "who am I kidding" that all my friends must have in their mind. "he's probably more trouble than he's worth." and well likely he is, juny. the fact that I do not really know what happened that night at the party. there's part of me that would assume, that demands, that the girl that was in his bed was really just a friend that he was helping out because she was tired. his bed was the best he could offer, the only thing he could offer at that point, and he would have to go to bed too and lock the door to ensure her peace. and it makes sense and it pieces together in my mind. also the fact that it may also have been much more awkward to explain the situation to me privately. awkward and uncharacteristic considering how poorly we communicate with one another in general.
I can't believe anything but the best about stephen! but I want to believe the worst! or at least enough that I can let this go and I can't because why not believe the best about stephen? how can I operate under the assumption that the best is not to be believed. because I can't. because I know far too much and at the same time know far too little.

and so how can I believe that dating dan would not be a bad idea? maybe if I was operating under a mass of fury. and the ideas, that idea, arised out of that.
we communicate so poorly! we are so wellmatched in our inability to communicate (but similar desire to do so) that we don't communicate at all. that in public there is the conscious absence of literally no physical affection. no verbal affection. I can't communicate the affection in itself, I can't communicate my awareness that we cannot express it. you know, what the fuck.
maybe they won't be roommates for much longer. I am amazed by how willing dan has been to support stephen in his unemployment but I would've found it much more unbelievable if that all went on forever. and so I guess they had a big awful conversation the other day and one word in particular was mentioned.
and what the fuck.

not that it helped either that when talking about him with jordan last night, he asked a lot of questions but at the same time made a lot of assumptions. and yes of course if I was listening to someone talk about a guy like stephen (or at least how stephen appears on the surface), I would have made the same assumptions if I didn't also know the whole story. or a larger part of the story. and there were parts of the story that I realized I missed in the telling that maybe would've painted a picture where it would've stopped the bad assumptions.
because on paper, a lot of things about stephen (the talent, the charisma) tend to lead to a climate in most people where they are basically a bunch of oversexed jackasses.
but I know that's not stephen.

not that it helps me very much.

:: judy nguyen 3:50 PM [+] ::
...

to be frank, I think I would consider swift an idiot if he didn't date me and I don't think he is. and when I say that, I don't mean that he can't be at times, but that he isn't in general if we want to get down to the base of someone's personality.
of course I would not mean that his life would instantly improve by the mere fact that he is dating me (not anymore so than if he were dating anyone halfway decent), but I think I am particularly equipped by my nature of perceiving another's faults or weaknesses and my wish to see them improved upon. I counter this by saying that it is very rare that I find myself in the position where I would vocalize these observations to the person in question. I dislike confrontation and unless the situation and the person involved is important enough, I won't mention it.
but the case with stephen, it's pretty unique because unlike most people I'm certain that he is open to and desirous of change. plus I'm sure he knows what's wrong, this defense mechanism of being pretty well over-the-top (I doubt that he wouldn't be just as magnetic without his crutch [I wish I had the strength as a writer to avoid all these negative phrasing, but hell, I'm not I guess. if I was working toward bonafide publication I know I would labor over it but this is a blog entry.]), but I sincerely doubt that he has anyone like me who would care enough or is bright enough to pick out this flaw. I'm sure that barely anyone else notices.
neither am I saying that I would demand that he change completely instantly. that's retarded and fake and impossible a transition. but even if we were not dating (and again he'd be stupid not to), it would still disturb me if we were only friends. and in the capacity of friends, I don't think I could make the effort to change him or help him. I hope that whoever reads this (if anyone is) understands my reasoning even if I don't state it.

and, okay, for all this talk about him being stupid if he doesn't date me, I'm not saying that this would've been the case for long because I don't think it has but I think that in the past couple of months I have come very close to actualizing the person I know I will become and need to be. and the strength of the character I'm describing, it's pretty sizable.

:: judy nguyen 1:50 PM [+] ::
...

blah. writing in you again for the usual reasons. can't write in the livejournal and I can't handle writing a private entry.
so trying to read last night beyond me puking and having to um come out sick of work (I should've just turned around I know goddamnit okay), I think I was doing all right by swifty and I guess it's obvious that it ain't going to be any immediate thing, but if I wasn't sick and also if I also didn't have my period, I think it wouldn't have been too overblown that we would have wound up doing it on his awful awful bed.
maybe saturday.

so I guess it is clear that I do like him and it was a good sign that he invited me over last night instead of just having me wait to see him at the party and it's a good sign that he told me about that one too. but hell I just wasn't sure. sitting there sort of losing at scrabble (I think I got third place once, trumping him) and watching him and his two roommates (both awesome) dan and nate pal around and sort of wishing I could do that, but shit like that wouldn't come naturally unless... you know. some sort of real intoxication (even intoxication with life) more than drinking.
drank half the six pack I brought over a glass of wine a share of the two pitchers of pbr and I guess I couldn't help but getting sick.
totally feeling like I want to touch him and roll with him and whatever and not even venturing, but he had me sleep in his bed and I guess we were going to sleep together if I didn't get sick. woke up alone. mumbling "stephen...swifty..." threw on clothes. saw nate and dan in the hallway and they said that they were trying to piece together all the puke everywhere and stephen passed out on the couch "looking like a stilllife."
I wash most of the puke off my bag (apparently there is some on my shirt too. hahhahaa?) and take a look at stephen and he actually is lying in the living room in his boxers, his junk poking out. and I try to talk to him but he doesn't rouse to consciousness or anything and rolls to face the back of the futon.
I leave a postit on his computer screen:
"switty
me so sorry
judy"

you know this is an unusual way for me to begin a relationship if that's actually what it will turn out to be though it doesn't necessarily. but I think I'm actually totally cool with it and it's better than really being either led on or rushing into god knows where.
I like swifty for all the reasons that anybody who meets him does but also because he's so bonafide and talented and I dunno. more specific reasons that I don't know how to put into words right now.

:: judy nguyen 5:58 PM [+] ::
...

so I know it's been a long long time but there's a reason to write here now rather than writing in my livejournal. and it's too bad that I'm still so stupid that I have to write in a public place, but the possibility that anyone might read this is too strong. I guess I need the collaboration.
but not on livejournal since I'd be read by exactly the one person I'm writing about now. and the fact is that it's really really hard.
I might see this person, t, tomorrow. I guess we've been contacting one another since I was in high school. but never really talking much until now. we met once over two years ago and made out with our clothes on shoes off (which has happened with only one other person and that person is negligable), but nothing after that. I've been reading his livejournal now and he just recently became in possession of a laptop so I guess that explains how we've started talking again now. and the fact is that it's really sort of nice. I relate a lot to what he writes about. frustration, self-doubt, general fucking anguish, though with a light of intelligent humor shining through it.
he has a girlfriend though he shouldn't have that one. they don't have sex. they don't have conversation. if I didn't know much better myself, I'd wonder what exactly they had.
and so I guess I could take him, take this, I guess, even with the girlfriend. but it's pretty big and scary.

I guess this is something I could get anxious about rather than the "date" I had on friday. and I know it wouldn't be a treacherous idea to have a cigarette before meeting up (if we do). we might even have a cigarette together.

meh.

:: judy nguyen 10:37 PM [+] ::
...

so hey, I guess I'm flipping the defunct status between the two and switching back to livejournal. altogether it's getting confusing.
well. keep reading anyway.

:: judy nguyen 11:05 AM [+] ::
...