:: heartattackmachine ::

:: Friday, July 18, 2003 ::

so hey, I guess I'm flipping the defunct status between the two and switching back to livejournal. altogether it's getting confusing.
well. keep reading anyway.

:: judy nguyen 11:05 AM [+] ::
...

so wasn't it john von thaden that I just saw a few minutes ago in this, the com computer lab? geesh. I barely know him and yet I'm prompted to say geesh.
I think I want to go home. john said that he would call once he got out to see if I wanted to come over. I was wavering earlier, but now, hrm., I just want to snooze on the couch and eat carrot sticks. like the only thing I think there is to eat her house.
I want to become invisible to someone.

:: judy nguyen 11:00 AM [+] ::
...

what globe says about our new el presidente, dan goldin (or, hey, I don't have to work under. I just go to his school.):
Just as the blunt, curmudgeonly style of current BU leader John Silber has made him a constant lightning rod, Goldin acquired loud detractors.
''He can be very charismatic, but also intense and demanding and sometimes very abrasive,'' Logsdon said. ''He can go from one personality to another rather quickly.''
''During Dan Goldin's tenure at NASA, `shooting the messenger' became a highly practiced managerial art,'' wrote Keith Cowing, editor of the NASA Watch monitoring website, in an e-mail yesterday. ''People were in fear of his managerial tantrums.''
Goldin could not be reached for comment yesterday. He acknowledged the intensity of his leadership style in a 1998 interview with the website Achievement.org. ''Basically I'm a volatile person,'' he said. ''From when I wake up until I go to sleep, I'm battling this fire inside my belly.''

:: judy nguyen 7:48 PM [+] ::
...

28 days later
yeah, I like horror movies. I'm almost sort of a buff. in a way, they're kind of peaceful.

:: judy nguyen 4:10 PM [+] ::
...

full throttle
what's not hot about a pretty asian girl with freckles. mm.
tell me I'd look that good in a wig and hand me a pair of stilettoes. all to drip sex better.

but this is probably just a phase so don't all worry, but more the still somewhat frequent flare of hormones

:: judy nguyen 7:46 PM [+] ::
...

la dum.
coughing fit like I'm about to puke. but I don't feel sick.
in that way. in any case, it still bit.
what's with this new interface? it makes me uncertain, but it's still better than in interim.

:: judy nguyen 1:25 PM [+] ::
...

You're sort of a shady character. You sneak into
the city under the East River, and make a hasty
exit soon after. But while the tourists may
steer clear of your decrepit stations, you know
you're essential to the commuters who depend on
you.


Which New York City subway line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: judy nguyen 1:10 PM [+] ::
...

I'm at home with nothing to do, and my sisters are television addicts. naturally I guess I exposed to the medium tenfold now.
and now most of it really isn't that weird. often annoying. maybe I'm mildy surprised at the lengths the populace (sorry) will go to, their delusions, but what I just saw five minutes ago was pretty shocking. I feel betrayed kind of. or maybe a little turned off.
so the tv's off now because my mom and ann have gone to bed. the premiere of a show called anything for love was on. the girl who went to strip for her estranged husband (only a year after the wedding! boohoo) to win him back was kind of sickly sweet in the last ditch for tv sort of way, but I would be surprised if it worked out. the guy who set hidden cameras on his cheating girl was a stupid tool. I'd be surprised that she had bothered leading him on enough for his chumpy vows of real love. but these are the kind of people who would turn to tv.
the guy who thought a girl he had met twice was his soulmate... it's hard to string words together. met her once, got her number, planned to attend a rave, but ditched the day before because he had a girlfriend, guilt. met her again at salt lake. chickened out and decided to drag the bullshit into the light of day. or at least on the fox network. now this girl, sarah, looked like she was trying. "I don't know what I'm here for, but I'm trying. and sure I guess I believe in love at first sight." and maybe she felt a draw the first time, but not when she met him again. and I don't know. I feel it's an unspoken rule for my peers or people who are kind of close not to drag this stuff out into the public. a loud shouting match in the mall food court, a wedding; least of all, tv.
are you trying to bring the everyone else onto your side? because you, the pathetic loser, can't bring it on on your own?

:: judy nguyen 6:59 PM [+] ::
...

this man thinks I am beautiful and would like to have a long-term relationship with me. well, so I'm told.

:: judy nguyen 2:04 PM [+] ::
...

alan's asking me where my photos are. ha!
well elephant is so fucking hot that it deserves the full word. and though I think I knew better, I feel bad for writing them off as another ten-listen throwaway, a la the strokes or hot hot heat. I probably need to give interpol another spin.
what else is on heavy rotation in the local hotspot, j's bedroom, richly decorated with her ten-year-old sister's juvenalia?

getz/gilberto-joao gilberto, stan getz, antonio carlos jobim, and the lovely astrud gilberto
you are free-cat power

:: judy nguyen 7:23 PM [+] ::
...

life is slow. I haven't found a job yet. I wake up at noon and I still feel a need to nap. because it's just slow I guess.
in the past couple of days, I've started digging into joyce's ulysses again. (I stopped reading it the first time because too busy running away, I guess. assholes. and my dad expects his threats or any of his words to be taken seriously. I take them seriously in that I hate him.) reading a page-by-page guide breaks up the work and tempts me less to skim. or it does so far.
no new work on the novel. not for a while.
I'm kind of obssessed with a girl I've never met. a friend of e's. I know I would make out with her on the kitchen floor or in the movie theatre. though it's rarely as great as the desire in absentia when I actually get there.
I just noticed that I'm on her friends' list. my journal there is pretty defunct. but anyone can find me here from there. (and I feel strange about ending two consecutive paragraphs with the same sentence. though there is this parenthetical.)

:: judy nguyen 7:02 PM [+] ::
...

PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, C0-WORKERS, THE DISPOSSESSED

Have you ever suffered odd, perhaps inexplicable, symptoms? A mystery rash that appears during lunch breaks? Debilitating fatigue/headaches/backaches in the wake of a bad breakup? Sleepwalking? The upcoming psychology issue of Stay Free! will include a lengthy discussion about psychosomatic health problems. We'd like to hear personal anecdotes regarding any experiences you've had--peculiar or poignant--with non-organic health problems, including bouts of hypochondria (brain cancer scares, carpal tunnel concerns, penis panics), unusual allergies, and temporary mental health problems.

Responses can be anywhere from 2 sentences to 300 words and should, wherever applicable, include speculation about the cause of the problem.

Send to ----> stay.free@verizon.net

If you have any questions, just ask. We'll send you a copy of the magazine if we use your story.

much thanks,
Carrie & Alexandra

:: judy nguyen 3:12 PM [+] ::
...

earlier I realized that I'm so attracted to elliott's gallatin and jamison's drugged, club-oriented bright lights and big city because of their seductive qualities, perhaps personal to me.
now I don't think I'd have those lives at my own and maybe it's only in the face of them, me struck quivering, that I can't really confirm "no, that's not my life." but maybe that's only a lie.

:: judy nguyen 6:50 PM [+] ::
...

ok?
google: "judy nguyen", "ryan p"

:: judy nguyen 3:12 PM [+] ::
...

I noticed I didn't publish last time. funny. not really. if you've been keeping up to date, what happened with that one post really aggravated me. and was creepy.

last night, I went to my sister's pride night. dullsville. I think I only went because I fantasized about telling mr. moulton that I was writing a novel. and smooshing the details of my life in the last couple of years in several other lucky faces. but I think that misguided. and there's no reason for dan to be there.
we got there late so we had to sit on the stairs. it sucked on my ass and when my dad arrived I did all I could do to make negative physical contact. though he bought me whatever I wanted at the supermarket today (cadbury's fruit and nut, apricots, dole fruit cups, fuji apples). I can slip a couple things into my mom's cart sometimes, and I didn't really get much. so maybe not a big deal.
I barely knew anyone, and sometimes I use that fact to further attack my self-esteem. but hell, I knew virtually everyone in my class and a few in 2003 so maybe that's misguided, too. tom michaud was inducted into nhs. he had a brilliant personality, and I had a small crush on him. I hope my sister didn't catch to my minor badgering.

:: judy nguyen 3:05 PM [+] ::
...

my blogger interface is finally working for me and I went back and fixed old posts.
oh, and I'm writing a novel?

:: judy nguyen 1:19 PM [+] ::
...

it must be terrible to feel powerless.  when we both never talk to you again, will you know it was your fault?

:: judy nguyen 11:45 AM [+] ::
...

my comments seem effed up too.

You are Marcus


Which CAPGAS member are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: judy nguyen 12:23 PM [+] ::
...

my cumulative gpa crawled up a measly .4 points after this semester's grades to a 2.71.  I may never study in london. but I probably can't get myself to care enough to actively bump up my grades while riding on anything more than personal, initial interest.

:: judy nguyen 11:29 AM [+] ::
...

You are a chickenshit wimp. You punk. You'll never
amount to anything because you don't have the
guts to even tell the truth.


What the hell is wrong with you?!?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: judy nguyen 11:10 AM [+] ::
...

the new dreams are wearying. I remember snippets of one last night where somehow I had come to newburyport and got yelled at for making a mess of the souvenir fire hats. somehow I got back to boston. then I and john headed to an (my) imagined and local friend of his. I think the house was nothing too worth mentioning. I heard something about his winning the lottery once and all the related, depleting tax talk. we went out to his pool or backyard where it was located. though it wasn't really a yard and for some reason the back of the house led right out onto the water. he had a chaise lounge attached from the back of the house to the edge of the neighboring pool, lying on the water or sea. I got on it and from anticipation, I either fearfully thrased on the seat or lay frigidly still. thinking about this dream just turns my mind. well I think we pull the pool toward the house, the spot previously mentioned somehow disapearing. and I don't really question this somehow while dreaming. we get in and the pool's more like a large hot tub or maybe a kiddie pool. it's connected to the "sea" again, and likewise, interesting characters pop up and... again, thinking about this makes me feel like a real dumbass. I think I'm finished here.

:: judy nguyen 11:02 AM [+] ::
...

I think I might write a letter to joe sullivan. sure, none of you reading know he is. a kid from high school I could say casually here, or maybe I could go into it.
the most important part of the story I guess is that I might not write the letter or send the letter I write, sending it to the fate of other hundreds in my life. but I've never felt so strongly that I should I write this one.

:: judy nguyen 4:00 PM [+] ::
...

I hate how blogger is still fucked up for me. it would be nice if html actually worked.
in other news, I have updated my list of friends. my adoration is but a small gift from me to you.

:: judy nguyen 12:03 PM [+] ::
...

matrix reloaded
what a bunch of action/dune bullcrap

:: judy nguyen 5:03 PM [+] ::
...

my dreams have taken a very hyper tone lately. I think they are the same kind of dreams I've had before (ambiguous but neutral environments, people who I think represent those I know), but they have been at least speeded up by tenfold and seem far more surreal. it's to the point where I think it's impossible to remember almost anything when I wake up.
lately it doesn't seem as if I have to work to make my surroundings seem reasonable. maybe this way I've been storing up mental energy.

:: judy nguyen 1:38 PM [+] ::
...

June 1964-graduation time-honorary degrees were being handed out all over the place. The TV show, That Was The Week That Was, bestowed on me-or rather upon a photograph of me with a graduation cap superimposed on my head-an honorary Doctor of Letters: "To the man who won fame using them four at a time."
I'm really so fed up with the "dirty word" thing. People think, Christ, I'm obsessed with that. But I just have to defend myself because you don't know how much I'm attacked on it. Every time I go on the road, the papers are filled with it.
Now I'll say "a Jew" and just the word Jew sounds like a dirty word, and people don't know whether to laugh or not. They'll seem so brazen. So there's just silence until they know I'm kidding, and then they'll break through.
A Jew.
In the dictionary, a Jew is one who is descended from the ancient tribe of Judea, but-I'll say to an audience-you and I know what a Jew is: one who killed our Lord. Now there's dead silence there after that.
When I did this in England, I said, "I don't know if you know that over here, but it got a lot of press in the States." Now the laughs start to break through. "We did it about two thousand years ago, and there should be a statute of limitations with that crime." Now they know-the laughter's all there-but I'm not kidding, because there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, and those who pose as Christians-paraphrasing Shakespeare-neither having the gait of Christians nor the actions of Christians-still make the Jews pay their dues.
I go from a pedantry (Shakespeare) to the hip argot (pay their dues) for another deuce.
Then I ask, why should Jews pay these dues? Granted that we killed him and he was a nice guy; although there was some talk that we didn't kill Christ, we killed Gesmas, the one on the left. (There were, you recall, three who got done in that day.) But I confess that we killed him, despite those who said that Roman soldiers did it.
Yes, we did it. I did it. My family. I found a note in my basement: "We killed him-signed, Morty."
"Why did you kill Christ, Jew?"
"We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why."
Now sometimes I'll get sort of philosophical with it and maybe a little maudlin: "We killed him at his own request, because he was sad-he knew that people would use him."
Or sometimes I will tag it with, "Not only did we kill him, but we're gonna kill him again when he comes back.
-Lenny Bruce, How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

:: judy nguyen 1:34 PM [+] ::
...

there's someone I kind of want to fuck up very bad. but I think I've wanted this before and just hung the issue up on the wall. waiting to be taken down again instead of just trashed. this person made a particularly juicy comment (in this context) on another's livejournal that I wanted to quote or reference here. but I know I can't.
fantasies have been running through my head.
(I'm trying to post this and a few next entries through email since blogger doesn't like me right now. see what happens.)

:: judy nguyen 1:33 PM [+] ::
...

while packing up I found all my ticket stubs that I thought I had lost. I threw them all out. who needs them.
I also found a tube of pink lip gloss from a now defunct chain. applying it, the smell reminded me of pink liquid antibiotics. I always kind of liked that stuff.

:: judy nguyen 10:41 AM [+] ::
...

I feel so drained. but have yet to be really sad.

:: judy nguyen 9:12 AM [+] ::
...

I don't know if I feel very well. was sick earlier today when I hauled my ass out of bed, up onto a bus, down into the subway for an exam at 9 am. picking at an omelet I knew I couldn't eat but should've. and I'm still not hungry.
while I procrastinate on studying, a list of songs I came up with yesterday assigned to certain mythic and/or close individuals:
deathly [aimee mann] -- dan l.
exit music (from a film) [radiohead] -- david w.
dindi [astrud gilberto] -- elliott b.
alison [elvis costello] -- john g.
and enough of that...

:: judy nguyen 9:29 AM [+] ::
...

I'm not sure what studying leads to except hand cramps and brain fatigue.
yet back I go to it.

:: judy nguyen 3:20 PM [+] ::
...

increasingly, I've thought about writing a book. I understand a couple of you reading are in the process.
earlier, when I first started this blog,* I came up with some questions about the tie between beauty and weakness.** a couple days ago I thought about the jester and king images when we were listening to american pie on milcah's filene's-purchased record player and what they say about the movement within society... but it'd probably be more interesting to pull out several details of my life and write a pseudo-fictionalized memoir.
in other news, having a difficult time trying on makeup at a stila counter at a mall in a dream I just woke up from a little time ago, I pulled a single contact*** from my eye and dropped it on the floor. I think I stepped on it.

---

*you can dig
**I felt last night that my life was a wave of tragedy. or during the formative years and maybe it's exactly all that I'm used to.*
***I remember earlier in the dream not putting in a complete pair.

---

*maybe john will tell some of you why, but it took a lot of heavy breathing to keep me from killing myself. there have only been so few times when I have felt as bad.

:: judy nguyen 7:47 AM [+] ::
...

some realization. enlightenment later? if I'm feeling courageous.

:: judy nguyen 9:48 PM [+] ::
...

I can't think. submit and go upstairs to listen to a certain music channel.

:: judy nguyen 3:43 PM [+] ::
...

that. that makes my head explode.

:: judy nguyen 3:21 PM [+] ::
...

went to new york the last couple of days. it was good. even when mistakenly walking down w. 11th to the river.*
I spent a lot of time outside, on my feet, alone. though yes, sometimes, it's hard to burn six and a half hours, especially knowing that you'll see someone later on. or maybe just in general. but mostly, I liked that aloneness. the individual experience. it's part of the reason why I regretted telling alan what I did. and weird to even mention to the person I did it with. it's hard to explain in a way like it was hard to experience.

---

*I went into that cupcake shop. just because it was on the street. at the time, I felt the smell of chocolate nauseating. not the right time for cupcakes.

:: judy nguyen 3:10 PM [+] ::
...

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	High
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Low
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

:: judy nguyen 9:38 AM [+] ::
...

Judy's Battle Imp is

Eaem

Backstabbing: 2 Dodgin': 4 Guts: 8 Magic Mojo: 3 Smackdown: 2

Will your battle imp beat Judy's? Enter your name and fight.

:: judy nguyen 9:31 AM [+] ::
...

I guess I might start this too
blog iraqi cosmopolis (10), judy nguyen,* not a virgin anymore (5?)

:: judy nguyen 9:27 AM [+] ::
...

well, site meter has alerted me that someone, finally or again, has been searching yahoo for judy nguyen.* I lost count but I could reference somewhere around seven but less than ten directly to me.
I don't even remember writing this. couldn't imagine writing something like that n ow.

---

*cough this one up folks. won't get mad atcha. just curious and want to know.

:: judy nguyen 9:24 AM [+] ::
...

what's a quotelog?
"Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together"
"I've got some real estate here in my bag"
So we bought a pack of cigarettes and Mrs. Wagner pies
And we walked off to look for America

"Kathy" I said as we boarded a Greyhound in Pittsburgh
"Michigan seems like a dream to me now"
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw
I've gone to look for America

Laughing on the bus, Playing games with the faces
She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy
I said "Be careful, his bowtie is really a camera"

"Toss me a cigarette, I think there's one in my raincoat"
"We smoked the last one an hour ago"
So I looked at the scenery, she read her magazine
And the moon rose over an open field

"Kathy, I'm lost" I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America, All gone to look for America

:: judy nguyen 9:02 AM [+] ::
...

in us history 1968-present discussion, we were assigned to persuade the rest of the class to sign on to various movements of the me decade: drug-induced spiritual journeys, est, and pentacostalism.
I usually don't add much to this particular discussion. I'm uneasy about regurgitating the text. anyway, I was lumped in with the spokesmen for the pentecostals, and in preparation, one girl remarked at the sense the movement sort of* made sense. they tell you that god works in your benefit, but you never see any sign.
this chilled me to the bone.

---

*can't be extremists, can we? though the third member's brother and sister-in-law were members. she spoke of the s-i-n's prayer in tongues with no irony, just a matter-of-fact tone. on another note, I think I threw in the "sort of" for my own comfort. though this was at least a month ago.

:: judy nguyen 8:31 PM [+] ::
...

I think I like light and color so much because they suggest life.
the model in the lego book requires a piece found in neither of the two sets. it made me feel dumb like I was missing something personally though I know it's probably the company's fuckup.
in nylon,* brad renfro says, "I believe in one god, and I don't reate me smart enough to know his name or what have you. but I do know that definitely shit happens on a clock that's not yours. I kind of just trust in whatever's going on." not that I'm ripping renfro's ass or anything. it seems a common mistake or crutch to believe in all sorts of large entities. well, besides the combined action of a lot of other people.

---

*I've been looking for a piece of fluff magazine that won't make me feel like a dumbass to read while sleazenation is almost impossible for me to find now.

:: judy nguyen 3:56 PM [+] ::
...

yeah. and if you're curious, if I have it (and it seems I do. if things sound eery, it's probably familiar), it's gotta be number two.

:: judy nguyen 8:40 PM [+] ::
...

I'm always fascinated by being looked at it though sometimes it scares me. like it did in chinatown, waiting for elliott (elliott!!!, if you're reading this).
often I'll find myself posturing. for my own benefit. though with the idea that someone could be watching me with real aesthetic. though I know that could be kind of retarded. but maybe not.
but right now I remember being on the 91 and sitting somewhere middle on its length and noticing a young, asian girl sitting with her family at the front, looking at me. I don't know if it was a form of a contempt that kept me from returning her smile or seeking more than fleeting, cautious looks. again I think a little posturing. cautious of the fact that I think she wanted to be me.

:: judy nguyen 1:05 PM [+] ::
...

bad moon rising's playing somewhere somewhat far off in the office. it makes me happy. kind of. too bad john slept through that movie and too bad I missed that festival.
my neck burns. I guess I'll work soon. I didn't see alex so I'll have no excuse not to fuck off more.
and then it stopped.

:: judy nguyen 12:52 PM [+] ::
...

I checked robin's user info after commenting on thom's. I find myself really frustrated, saddened, and confused that she no longer links him as a friend.
indeed, sometimes it strikes me that some other people are more fucked up (or in a different way) than I am. though that's not the end of it.

:: judy nguyen 8:52 AM [+] ::
...

drool

:: judy nguyen 7:03 PM [+] ::
...

well, apparently I won't be buying cosmopolis either
a new hobby of mine is reading bad reviews of today's cherished books and wondering if anything the fuck is ok to read.

:: judy nguyen 8:22 AM [+] ::
...

apparently becky is getting married next month.
the further I get away from my years and the people of high school, the less I know what to make of it.

:: judy nguyen 10:12 PM [+] ::
...

perhaps truer now and more necessary than then
from the case for liberalism: a defense of the future against the past by george mcgovern, harper's december 2002:
" I believe in the essential decency and fairness of the american people. this does not mean, however, that I believe our leaders and our voters always to be of sound judgment. democracry does not guarantee wisdom or virtue; it only guarantees only the principles of majority rule and freedom of choice. and freedom of choice includes, whether we like it or not, the right to be wrong. we can only hope that from time to time our leaders will be right."

"we need conservatives, of course, to challenge liberal ideas and proposals and to impel us to examine their soundness, but we cannot depend on conservatives to offer constructive new ideas of the sort that might bring about a more just and equitable society or a more peaceful or cooperative world."

"the genius of american politics has always been the creative tension between our two great political philosophies, liberalism and conservatism. if either of these traditions is diminished, the american nation is diminished. and so, to the self-styled patriot with his bumper sticker - AMERICA, LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT - I would respond, "america, let us improve it so that we may love it more."

:: judy nguyen 9:55 PM [+] ::
...

this is the disc I made for david last night. he tried to sell me on the pixies song once, though I didn’t ever seem to really hear mp3s friends suggested then. I realize large overtones radiohead when I think about that history. I listened to the original a few times the night before I ran away. the version that made the mix is a sharp contrast of mood, and though I can’t put it in words or grasp it in thought, what that says could be positive.

I’ve Had It – Aimee Mann (Rare on Air, Vol. 2)
Fast Car – Tracy Chapman
America – Simon & Garfunkel
Electrolite – REM
Seeing Other People – Belle & Sebastian
High on Sunday 51 – Aimee Mann
Got My List – Jonah’s Onelinedrawing
Landslide – Fleetwood Mac (The Dance)
Good Fortune – PJ Harvey
Gigantic – Pixies
Secret Track: Exit Music (from a film) – Kiki & Herb

:: judy nguyen 12:59 PM [+] ::
...

from today's boston globe:
Documentary filmmaker Ken Burns says the repetition of the footage yesterday reminded him of the power of images to show us what we want to see.
''When we repeat an image over and over again,'' he says, ''we're forgetting all the other places we could also be looking at at that moment. These images become justification, proof of what we want them to become. That's the nature of iconic images.''

there's a natural instinct to know one's right, and with that it mind, I don't see much difference from pictures or talk of dead and mutilated iraqi children and the tearing down of that monument.
whoa, a lot of you and certainly one particular individual may attack me for insensitivity. of course, I feel war is bad, war is awful, war is unjustified in any circumstance. but when I want to assess and properly approach a situation rather than a moral question, I'm not sure I want my emotions in a bunch.
what about those who consider war a necessary evil? worse, what if bush is right? according to john, his friend couldn't grasp this concept, conspicuously ignored by the anti-war movement, until yesterday.
it almost depresses me that the war ended so quickly. now we'll be able to forget about it in a week. I guess the 2004 democratic national convention may not mean much now. good for you, dave.

:: judy nguyen 3:33 PM [+] ::
...

I caught up with ryan in the dining room for breakfast yesterday.
he had glazed-eyed awe for joe, a friend of his older brother. when I inquired, ryan said he understood jokes really well. immersed in the contemplation of his friend, he muttered in realization that joe was flawless, probably his best friend.
I had to go to class and he had to do algebra in the cas computer lab.
I felt jilted.

:: judy nguyen 9:14 AM [+] ::
...

Protesting Protestors' Protestations
by Joe Keohane

If one thing has become abundantly clear in the months leading up to this war, it is that the lamer the Bush administration’s justification for military action got, the lamer the anti-war crowd’s justification for opposing it became.
We won’t get deep into the administration’s side of things. Warts and all, that end has been covered at length already. Suffice it to say, effective or ineffective, the stated point of this war has been vague, continually shifting, tailored usually to the crowd before which a particular official was speaking and often appealing to emotion over sense: a dirty, manipulative game.
However, it is a dirty, manipulative game that both sides of the “debate" have been equally guilty of playing.
Take for example a recent Cambridge-to-Boston protest. As I walked down Mass. Ave. last week, I noticed that the whole area had been cordoned off and that there was a strong police presence. I grabbed one of the cops and asked him what the story was, and he muttered, “They’re marching." I asked him if it was going to be a big one, and he just shrugged. “Could be. We’ll see in a second." Then he turned to me and asked, “Don’t these people know we’re already at war?"
The idea that once a nation goes to war the people must throw their support behind it has never convinced me. Though it does seem awfully widespread. “Hey," I said. “This isn’t going to turn into another Kent State thing, is it?" The cop just laughed, not mean-spiritedly, however. He, like myself, couldn’t help but compare this fatuous “movement" to its more serious 1960s forbear.
The protest came out of Harvard and snaked its way down Mass. Ave. At that point, there were probably a few hundred marchers, many with signs, and many of those signs reading things like, “NO WAR FOR OIL," “NO WAR," “PEACE," “PEACE IS PATRIOTIC" and so forth. One woman, a punkrocker, was carrying a sign reading “NO WAR" and wearing a leather jacket adorned with German Iron Crosses. Hmm. Another was waving a sign informing the world that “US SANCTIONS KILLED 500,000 IRAQI BABIES."
“Whew," I said to the person standing next to me. “That’s a lot of babies." He nodded knowingly, as if to say, “Damn those US sanctions."
One kid, bringing up the rear, continually shot resentful glances at the motorcycle cop behind him. The cop wasn’t doing anything, wasn’t leering or mocking, just doing traffic control, but judging by the looks he kept getting, you’d think he had been sent via time machine from Mayor Daley’s 1968 Chicago office and had been walloping and gassing pinkos all the day long. And eating Iraqi babies already starved thin by US sanctions.
Of the protestors I talked with, not one could venture a decent case against war, instead falling back on bromides and simplification – the sort of thing they’re continually criticizing the Bush administration for doing. For every, “Saddam is evil, he hates freedom," there is a corresponding, “War is always wrong, it kills babies," or “NO WAR FOR OIL!"
Both sides of course are utter nonsense, at least from a logical and geopolitical standpoint, because they both appeal strictly to personal considerations, to emotion. For every implied link between 9/11 and Iraq made by Bush, there is a protestor howling about dead children and arguing that war is never the answer.
Though the two may seem at odds, these approaches are in fact one in the same: an appeal to emotion over truth. As if one’s uninformed gut reaction to the crisis counts as substantive defense.
The pro-war set says Saddam could be the next Hitler. To counter this, the anti-war set says Bush is in fact the next Hitler. The pro-war set, louder now, says Iraq harbors and supports terrorism. The anti-war set, now painting peace signs on their faces, claims Bush is a bigger terrorist than bin Laden. The pro-war set responds by yelling, “No, you’re the terrorist!" and the anti-war side starts yelling about dead babies. Then everyone starts yelling about freedom.
The outcome – because this is less a reasoned debate than an increasingly hysterical shouting contest – is usually an exchange consisting of:
“Shut up!"
“No, you shut up!"
“I’m all for freedom of speech, but I think you should shut up!"
“You’re violating my freedom of speech by telling me to shut up – you’re un-American!"
“You are! Love it or leave it!"
“You can’t tell someone to leave America! You leave it, jingoist! Nazi!"
“You’re a NAZI!"
The line about truth being the first casualty of war is often rolled out these days, but it appears dignity falls well before truth. Possibly by a number of years. And even that might lose out to maturity, which has been gone for quite a while.

:: judy nguyen 8:30 PM [+] ::
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what indeed, I wonder, is a dan and judy joke?

:: judy nguyen 8:27 AM [+] ::
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this tape came in the mail today.

:: judy nguyen 4:07 PM [+] ::
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people should be out there protesting so that the assholes don't forget that war is wrong, but... I don't think I want my friends or the people I want to be my friends to be out there.
when john told me that even though it was easy enough to dismiss war as theory but that it hurt him now that it's right in front of him, I wanted to tell him to fuck off because his reason not to get more involved was a hope that there might not be a war instead of logic and/or feelings of futility in this particular situation. I saw this war from a million miles away and I'm sure many of you did too and there was, yes, at one point, a hope that there may not be a war. but very early on that hope was fucked. our government has told us many many times that our talk and that of the world's means shit to them.
I also want to tell people who are ashamed to be an american or people in other countries that are surprised and glad to hear that there are people against the war in this country to fuck the hell off too. like the actions of a few define the actions and feelings of a group. and what the fuck really is a group and has anyone heard the concept of the individual. get off your fucking high horse and stop moping around.
get your heads out of your asses and understand that there's nothing to do but watch now, even then only if you like (and I don't), and more importantly that there things we can do and that must be done and soon. we need people to protest the war, sure. they can protest to their hearts delight to keep their dissent on the public conscience, but the fucking election is next year and action must quickly shift to that. john said that he read somewhere that bush's election could've been just what we have hoped for. a conservative president with no care for world opinion and quite likely will leave any followers cold. clinton wanted wanted to get saddam too but he let protest kill that.
the 2004 democratic national convention will be here in boston. I'm thinking of that now. what are you?

:: judy nguyen 11:37 AM [+] ::
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anna (and you and whoever I ever write to can reply in email. well, if you feel like that. and I'll slap messages like this here when I feel that it has or could have some sort of... I'm not sure. public aspect to it.): it must've seemed somewhat convenient when I left clayton's with john to get food (and I didn't really eat) at that point. and partially it was.
you had said that I shouldn't go through therapy because everyone my age assumes that they'll be fucked in a way. but, no antipathy and this isn't the point and hell I'd like you to in the future, you don't know me that well. there are times (when I'm in them it seems like most of the time though when I'm not, I don't think of them effectively much at all) when blankness or anxiety (in certain social situations) manifest themselves very very physically. for a little more than a year or so, my sister has been passing out at stressful points and I wonder if that's something kind of genetic and I only barely keep myself from something like that. though she's more manifestly stressed than I. there are times when I'm really physically stressed that I can feel myself starting to shake and sometimes feel like I'm overheating and not right bodily. but whatever.
anyway, the point is and why I'm writing this and writing this here and now is that yeah there are many times when I don't like hearing people talk about me to me. but then I'm beginning to recognize a lot of those people as assholes. but then a few posts below (damn I'm posting a lot today) I was talking about how reading about my personality as it should be according to my birthday felt like I was having my soul stolen. I've been taking sociology courses and exposed to at least ideas of psychology and the effects of environment and recently I've been trying to dissect myself and find myself remembering things that I haven't, maybe even ever since they happened, and it's weird to look at myself like that and comforting. recently there have also been people (and that book) that after knowing who I am for a while offer information about who I am (usually when I really down). and though it's weird to see myself (that way. but I guess it's seeing myself at all), but however much I feel that my soul (or whatever) is being stolen, it's through the process of being given it back in a form that can be appreciated or worked on at all.

:: judy nguyen 9:55 PM [+] ::
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well, something I was going to make the last paragraph of the children post but didn't since I forgot. I knew anyway that it was off topic or would break the flow.
anyway, about the birthday entry, it brought a lot of clarity to things that I had independently concluded must have been a priori. my family background likely excaberated the symptoms of voyeurism and that scientific shit, but it didn't cause them like it probably really did cause the self-deprecation, paranoia, and severe social anxiety (which apparently didn't impair today when the hour and a half I spent today at my internship comprised of calling thousands of restaurants to confirm they were at our recorded addresses. my throat was getting dry.). with planets and numbers (I'm not sure how a tarot card is chosen) backed up by analysis of thousands of people, famous and not, I'm sure the soul idea can be further kicked aways. and another thing about family, I think that the personality my birthday has gifted also played a role in how I responded to my situation. something thoroughly smashing when I read my sister's entry (my youngest and other sister is still a kid and I'm not sure I see the "gift of words). it was really shocking and I promised kim that I'd type it out for her (though I think she probably doesn't care so much). I'll get it on this blog too probably, but there's something to knowing someone very well.

:: judy nguyen 8:39 PM [+] ::
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of course there are times when someone says that "oh yeah, prufock is in a whorehouse" or "oh yeah, mabel really conning ferguson into laying her" and everyone "yeah rights" in mrs. hilinski's readings in modern lit course, but I'd be lucky if the headaches were as far and few and not the nonstop nightmare it really is.
I'm not sure if the people my class really understand that there were real people out there that wrote what we're reading with real ideas in mind and not stuff to distort with either pillowly romantic ideals or potty humor sensibilities. paul auster said somewhere more articulately that if only certain people can write certain stories then maybe only certain people can only experience certain, well, experiences.
and I guess you can kick me if you think I'm an ass. there are people that know that can be as fucking easy as anything.

:: judy nguyen 7:03 PM [+] ::
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in the most painful way, I hope that when I'm old I feel right here. as you can see, I changed my headline. it's from one of those onelinedrawing's covers.
over cherry coke and coffee and ice cream, ryan said he couldn't stand kids. and yeah, I kind of feel like someone is trying to steal my soul when I read that entry on my birthday (maybe like melissa's experience on the plane), but if I had a kid and I was still feeling floaty then I guess I know I should be signing off. though I couldn't since I had kids. ha. well. I think it was anna that mentioned, out of his earshot, that bob's parents did a fucking good job. I don't know, but I found that kind of intimidating. yeah, children probably aren't in the cards in the foreseeable future (and I wonder if that only really extends into the next week), but I think I'd like to young and when it seems logically ok (is that an oxymoronic idea?)(I don't think that should sound hasty. a friend's wife had felt the same way. they have two children now, but I probably can't see any of the mitchell's until I return that cd. ha. right. though I really like them both.). I don't want a fucking hip trustfunder or anything that acts like what I'm trying to define.

:: judy nguyen 6:48 PM [+] ::
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coming down from my high and feeling kind of alone but still here (one step): I've realized that some of the things I found most enjoyable are the quiet ones. for me, at least, the bang would have to be pretty fucking big to pull my attention away from the whimper.
the comics jim's journal and palookaville and the pseudonymous musician onelinedrawing all exemplify people whom it's all too easy too imagine that they'll bleed if you cut them.
kim, if you're reading, you can stop looking since it's probably a goose chase.

:: judy nguyen 6:30 PM [+] ::
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from the secret language of birthdays
march twenty-third: the day of curiosity
people born on march 23 seem to be curious about everything, but their investigations into what they find around them usually come down to the most fundamental events, thoughts, feelings, and ideas concerning existence. questions of life and death, youth and old age, and basic human emotions are of the greatest interest to them. their approach to life is principally scientific, although they may or may not be scientists themselves, they are constantly digging, probing and testing what they come in contact with.
march 23 people will not accept any concept or idea until it has been tested, and will not advise others if they lack the facts to make a highly educated suggestion. they themselves make determinations about life based simply on what they observe. consequently, they are difficult to fool, since their decision-making process is informed by the hard bedrock of experience. on the other hand, their perceptions culled from such experience tend to become cherished and reluctantly abandoned. those born on this day may be rather stubborn insofar as they will not want to give up a theory no matter how much evidence is presented against it. once something has been proven true for them, they tend to cling to it.
those born on march 23 are extremely versatile and can make friends with people from the most varied walks of life. they are not afraid of taking risks, but must beware of gambling for its own sake, whether in the casino or in the still more hazardous world of everyday life. nonetheless, march 23 people have strong physical impulses which should be expressed, even when occasionally involving danger. although they usually stick to more traditional areas of exploration, they may also have an attraction for strange circumstances or people which come their way. this is simply a projection of their own highly unusual nature which so often remains unrevealed to the world.
those born on this day generally manifest an interest in and love for children, even if they themselves are childless. but this is not to imply that march 23 people are particularly childlike, fanciful, or playful. their approach to children is, as with most areas, basic, scientific, and effective, rather than subjective or emotional.
despite all their numerous areas of investigation, human beings remain the prime concern of march 23 people, particularly where development is concerned. again, this interest is primarily scientific, rather than being a search for warmth or comfort. therefore, those born on this day may be taken up with learning about others yet remain largely self-centered in their personal lives. they may also be mistaken for gregarious personalities when they are in fact just curious.
numbers and planets
those born on the 23rd of the month are ruled by the number 5 (2+3=5), and by the planet mercury. those born on march 23 may not only be somewhat nervous or high-strung (mercurial), but also particularly energetic due to the influence of mars, ruler of aries. number 5 people change their areas of interest with bewildering rapidity but are rarely bored, as even the most ordinary of subjects holds a fascination for them; they collect facts and explore things to the last detail. in any month, the 23rd day is one of happenings, but this day at the beginning of the sign of aries produces people both electrically drawn to excitement and capable of radiating it.
tarot
the 5th card of the major arcana is the hierophant, an interpreter of sacred mysteries who is symbolic of human understanding and of faith. his knowledge is esoteric and he has authority over things unseen. favorable traits conferred by this card are self-assuredness, absence of doubt and proper interpretation; unfavorable traits are moralizing, bombast, and dogmatism.
health
although march 23 people may display little concern for their own health, reading and studies will have at least informed them about what is best for human beings in general. they problem is getting them to apply this knowledge to themselves. they should always be appealed to on objective, rational grounds, for if made to see how a healthy approach will improve their ability to work or to study, then they may adopt it. if not, forget it. because of their relentless, obsessive curiosity about the nature of things and how they work, march 23 people may be prone to mental fatigue. anything that those born on this day can do to ground themselves (sex, sleep, or athletics) is in general a good idea.
advice
keep calm. never treat people like specimens, no matter how interesting they are to study. cultivate your sensuous side. avoid being didactic and listen to others. don’t be so self-involved.
meditation
within the microcosm and the macrocosm there are worlds in their own time and space.
strengths
interesting
versatile
caring
weaknesses
overinvolved
voyeuristic

:: judy nguyen 1:28 PM [+] ::
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j'adore (improved)

:: judy nguyen 8:57 AM [+] ::
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keith, I was going to fix it so you would stop yer whining. but turns up you're already on my blog.

:: judy nguyen 8:26 PM [+] ::
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I had written a long entry. but it's gone now. a tear.
anyway, I guess a rundown. when I try to go to john's blog on his computer I often initially wind up at this site and I have the weird feeling that I'm being told something even though I'm absolutely comfortable with my relationship with religion. I have morality, I have uncertainty, and when and if sartre's line gets drawn under my life, I can more than assume that I will be fine. to me, christ's importance resides in his incredible love. I'm reading lenny bruce's autobiography, and though I guess most, like john and nick the other day, feel that from whatever they know from him that he's indistiguishable among comedians because of the presence of "extreme" comedy today," from what I've read and what the introduction writers have said, he seemed to have bled love. and I can't understand why people who love to that degree are sainted, as if we can't.
the post was a little more flowery and leisurely before. just believe.
anyway, a thanks to nick, melissa, mike, bob, and anna for making the past couple of nights sort of stunning.
blah. geesh.

:: judy nguyen 7:51 PM [+] ::
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I turn 20 on the 23rd
will there be presents?

:: judy nguyen 9:23 AM [+] ::
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I saw a couple condoms while I walked through the reliable parking lot this morning. they were twisted and looked small. I'm not sure how this made me feel. some kind of tragic.
things and people look different than they used to.

:: judy nguyen 11:59 AM [+] ::
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I put myself up there for a hootie and the blowfish disc? whatever

:: judy nguyen 11:03 AM [+] ::
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I've been feeling tired.
I told david how I felt. I'm not sure I have before.
I think I might smell rotting, but it's probably in all my mind. it smells more medicinal really.
I mispronounce stupid words when I get nervous.

:: judy nguyen 8:29 PM [+] ::
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where is he? someone doesn't want to kill anymore time here.

:: judy nguyen 12:09 PM [+] ::
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question of the day:
do you think in english or do you just think? when you put things into words, is it translation?

:: judy nguyen 8:53 AM [+] ::
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prescription drug advertising is getting worse and worse.
at least now I know advair and netrium aren't anti-depressants. very weird.

:: judy nguyen 5:47 PM [+] ::
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I either just made a small mistake or a big leap. like a lot of things I say, it'd probably pain me to explain this to people uninvolved, but I'm probably wrong in that pain. at least a little.
in other news, I was checking out what loopbliss (check out those interests. "go alienated, twenty-first century, hipster, existentialist, liberal, rationalist intellectual, go!") considered memories. I'm little afraid to say, at least at the moment, that they struck me as telling and beautiful. (hey, to varying degrees?)

big moment: not a virgin anymore, toto: 2001-09-19 01:08:00:
lesson for tonight: sex sucks.
how do I know? I lost my technical virginity. big fucking whoop.
[katydid_14] 2001-09-19 12:35
you what?
[loopbliss] 2001-09-19 14:27^
I fucked. no?
[anonymous] 2001-10-11 09:24
it'll get better, babe.
[loopbliss] 2001-10-11 14:06^
you'll have to tell me who you are, babe.
I've had sex two or three times after that.

honest: one of the first few signs I’m human: 2001-08-13 17:49:00
When Keith offered, yesterday, to send me all his medicine I thought he meant it as a sort of romantic joke. I assumed what he was meaning to send was all of his wonderful wit and charm. Thoughtfully (but how much thought can be put in a joke), I offered that he could keep quite a bit of it in case he ever needed some himself. He thanked me. I told him to send only an 'eensy' bit. He told me he didn't think that would work. I asked why?
It seems that a certain wit and charm can be bottled these days.
Celexa, Keith tells me, is a combination of Prozac and Zoloft. Celexa, Keith tells me, is some antidepressant that apparently was prescribed to my boyfriend. I don't love Keith less. I just find it odd. I could sort out all my qualm and ire here, but I'd probably only end up distracted and confused. Besides it's probably nothing you haven't heard already.
Admittedly when Keith offereed to send me all his 'medicine,' I though it was somewhat out of character. It's a little too obvious.

punny girl: I’ll see you in heaven if you make the list: 2001-11-12 22:21:00
were you ever told the one about where the guy just croaks in the end? go ask bert russell.
sometimes we're all optimistic. and sometime you just miss the bus.

:: judy nguyen 4:15 PM [+] ::
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about passion, I always liked this. I can't attach a date to it offhand.
you felt bad about it afterwards. I can't be sure I ever made it clear.

:: judy nguyen 12:26 PM [+] ::
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the prospects of a spring break trip to san francisco is looking very good.
I don't know, but for some reason and in some way, I look toward meetings with individuals like ryan p. as a form of personal affirmation. even given the fact that when I look back on my own past, I wonder what is that? maybe my past is a product of my mind. but that is irresponsible because where I am now will be the past in a day, if not a few minutes.
they knew me before I was me. somehow.
in other news, call it total silliness, but I realized that a point of attraction within me is passion. even if it construes itself as passion for dispassion like it does now.

:: judy nguyen 7:25 PM [+] ::
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I wonder if lack of interest in public tragedies like this morning's is a sign of depression. I knew it was hard to give a fuck about 9/11 besides what I knew the fucking idiots were going to want to do. fuck it. I never actually managed to give a fuck. but watching john glued to the television down here and knowing his roommate did the same upstairs really makes me wonder.
and yet, a colder chill ran down my spine when I saw ryan not only refrain from applauding at orientation but appear entirely unaware at the applause of others. I stopped myself from my own bored machinations in search of an acknowledging response of recognition, but there wasn't.

:: judy nguyen 5:32 PM [+] ::
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due to prompting from john, I asked mrs. sarah hilinski what her area was. in a reply that could've been no less predictable she answered the the victorian era.
when high school and I disliked someone, it was instinctual and nothing I could then intepret. accordingly I passed it off as mostly inconsequential. for better or worse now, my contempt, through definition, is by far more pointed.
anyway, my bus home was stalled through a traffic light and a half after reaching the cambridge side of the bu bridge. there usually lives a large congregation of ducks on the slope toward the river and it seemed that many of them inexplicably were trying to cross the busy intersection. I wanted to take a picture, but my camera wasn't giving it up from my perspective. I'm surprised no one seemed to be trying to honk at the birds.

:: judy nguyen 11:46 AM [+] ::
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:: judy nguyen 9:44 AM [+] ::
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on a night, a few weeks ago, which at the end of I thought I had reached a psychological social plateau (I now realize I was mistaken), jamison grouped the world's people into three categories:
1. those who do not think.
2. those who do think. which, wait (and there was a pause so there was ample time for me to think I was not being optimistically disillusioned), I thought included me. but why, jamison, a third category if I have found my place? (I was being cheered up. it wasn't an emotionally neutral philosophical conversation.)
3. those who think about thinking. "which you, dear, are" (understand, not a direct quote. my fabricated paraphrase. the pessimistic spin is mine. and when is it not?)
I remember feeling distinct stings of contempt toward other people when I was younger that I never thought to qualify. and thinking about thinking seems a recent build on depression. finding nothing to say in class and no way to say it. nothing in general to say or do and no way to say or do it. geesh. I don't know. can anyone email or call me and in some way broach this. and I guess I mean everyone and anyone though I don't need people to quote elliott smith and say "it's all right, it's ok, nothing's wrong" while attaching "and you're fucking brilliant and cool and good." I don't want that. I snivel when I see the response used with others. I want something substantive. and no, it doesn't need to be everyone and I probably don't want that. one contact could sate at least this current ill, but some girl was in new york once killed on the street while hundreds of watched in their apartments but failed to assist because they assumed someone else would get up and go. they knew someone would. how could they not? she doesn't need me. I don't know. I don't see and I'm probably wasting a load of people''s times when I write this. I'm wasting my time. I keep thinking that if I could hold one of my myths here and be pleasant with it, I could feel concrete. that could explain the past two nights dreams, no? one of david and one of dan, the two myths around which judy hien nguyen's life revolves for better or worse. other people have god. the scot's came up with "common sense realism." they were pleasant dreams. maybe the most pleasant I've ever had. but I don't fucking know.

:: judy nguyen 5:17 PM [+] ::
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suddenly I just want to curl up and die. just suddenly. I can't think of anything that happened in the last two minutes.

:: judy nguyen 9:14 AM [+] ::
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well, long story short, I no longer have an on-campus job. no pity for me: there was no animosity. barely worth mentioning.

:: judy nguyen 10:09 AM [+] ::
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I can't help but say that I was a little disturbed by the self-effacing last line in what my little friend wrote. I don't know. perhaps the implications of the contradiction in that context struck me as creepy. not really in and of themselves (and ok I don't really know how to make that clear) but a kind of chill runs down my spine.

so... right...

if the lives we lead are meaningless unless we can pull an actual product from out metaphorical hats (and hey, animals have an instinct to reproduce though we say we have knowledge [or at least that we’re conscious {HEY!}] then it’s only quite natural to feel this way. we aren’t chemically balanced until we have a physical manifestation. [dare say, maybe of god?] men must spread their seed regardless of the end location and why shouldn’t women feel an emptiness if they cannot bear and with the “progressive” action happening all around. men can feel this way too! [and women…], where are these children left exactly? I know my parents and likely your parents too didn’t give too much jackshit, but all this wondering hasn’t gotten us any farther along. we’ve been at it for millennia, we’ve made no headway, and we won’t be getting any closer.
so stop kidding everyone and this isn’t supposed to come off as a dis to everyone or even anyone has children, but I guess I don’t really know anyway. I have to agree with john, if having kids really turns things damn rosy, no real right exists to say so, to your friends, to the world, and especially, let us not forget your fucking kids. where does that leave them, after a while and for the much larger part of their lives?
be good parents I guess. but where do you get off and who the fuck are you?

*sigh
I don't know if I really meant that either, but this coming from a person who doesn't know if she means anythng.

:: judy nguyen 8:06 PM [+] ::
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I woke up just now and wonder if maybe, just maybe, I'm coming out of the funk.

:: judy nguyen 11:08 AM [+] ::
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as a child, I was fascinated by everyone. now that I'm older I am fascinated by far fewer, and when I'm depessed, likely fascinated or enthused by no one. or nothing. if people are boring in books and movies and television, are they boring in real life? if they are boring in good books and movies and television (such thing?), is that more true? or is it a product of shameless elitism. yes.
I want someone to suggest a really heartbreaking book to me. I don't mean some stupid tearjerker, but a book that is heartbreaking because it shows how stupid we all are. in essence, something most people wouldn't read because most people don't read books like that.

:: judy nguyen 11:45 AM [+] ::
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one pair of pants really didn't fit me today while the other pants recently have been fitting better. oh well.
wasted some time with dave today. ok. I don't really know what I'm doing. the sundae I had at friendly's was pretty sad. I rather just sleep for the most part.

:: judy nguyen 6:15 PM [+] ::
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bullet to the brain
she said she would be much happier if everyone just understood

:: judy nguyen 6:52 PM [+] ::
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I feel sad and messy today. like I produce a sad ectoplasmic ooze when I walk or slither or whatever my mode of transportation, and when I look at it, I'm too sad to clean it up right, or I probably couldn't clean it up right if I wanted to. sorry. you know who you might be.
tony emailed me yesterday. one happy thing!

:: judy nguyen 6:25 PM [+] ::
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This has been a long time coming, but I think I finally understand.

Make all the jokes you want, call my boyfriend a lecher for being twelve years my senior and call me stupid for being so “naïve,” but let me explain that anyone who does so I imagine could see much less than as little as I do. The fact is that I’ve finally realized that however smart, cool, friendly, and “ageless” my friends and their friends and so forth might seem and clearly are, there is a difference between the generations. In addition and hopefully not out of self-inflated pomposity, I feel in the analysis of current trends and debate that it is always the intellectuals of the last generation to trump in the final say. The visible among us now may only be a few actors and Conor Oberst, but we’re young yet.

I’ll admit that even though culture is a monster, its variations between the generations are far from unintelligible for the responsible, nonpartisan sociologists. However, nothing beats the actual experience, and if I have anything to say it’s that the cultural vapidity confronted as a child of the nineties and this current decade has left me and friends of similar age mad with a hunger for substance that encompasses over critique (perhaps John and his best friend were right in not encouraging my snipes and jeers at the Eve festivities on tv), desperation (face it, kid, the eighties weren’t that great), and an undying struggle to create (my philosophy toward non-journalistic writing is to cut the crap). This is not a dis, but oldsters, can you please stop telling me that every generation’s pop culture has its crap. You talk as if it’s an art that can’t be further perfected. Or whatever the proper term is. The point really is, ladies and gents, that the propagandists have been working long and hard, it was only a matter of time, and that time may be now.

To my peers: Get your head out of the sand. Going off to war, shopping up a blur and supporting your country with headphones blaring Eminem is a sad alternative for substance. In my concern, what is happening is equivalent to Vietnam if not much, much worse. Your children and your children’s children (if you can think so far) will hate you for it. Everyone else in the world already does. So what if it’s not your fault, but don’t not admit that it isn’t downright wrong and disgusting. At the very least, don’t shut your ears. For it’s only getting worse. Your parents and their peers will not be of any help. If you don’t stop now, you may forever be middle-class bs-consumers just like them. It’s no different. One day, you’ll be uncool.

And if you ask me why I’m pissing you all off now, I’ll tell you that it’s because you pissed me off earlier. From first grade through to high school graduation, each and every one of you fucks pissed me off the great American cultural bandwagon. However, the big difference here is that my pestering is not out of spite but right; my harassment is not of your person but of your paper thin, crackerjack perspective. Which I’ll stand to admit is not entirely your fault. Look at it this way, most of the dweebs you made fun of are cracking into the remaining biotechs that have managed to still stand on two feet or whatever the new wave will be and would piss on your Sears shoes at McDonalds if they could have their way. And I hate them too!

So not just for my sake and please try for your own: Wake up.

:: judy nguyen 7:54 PM [+] ::
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so here I am, at home again, drinking a carbonated sugar water that is supposed to be strawberry soda.
I just got home by calling my father's bluff in the way of running off to new york for the eve. I appreciate the goodwill of all involved (dave, john, jones), but the trip itself was pretty uneventful if reasonably pleasant.
on a couple occasions I was a little pissed at john. I don't really feel like trying to examine whether or not either occasion was particularly justifiable. we didn't go to the square obviously, and if anyone finds this shocking, just let me explain that it will probably be a waste of time to explain. we never made it very far out of the house, and since my interest occasionally flagged during the video game marathon, I made much headway in a paperback copy of the corrections.
it's weird that no one yet has tried to approach me much on the homefront about what happened (my dad isn't home), but I'll assume right now that it's for the best.
a family of three small children and their mother who didn't look too many generations removed from whatever fair-complexioned, south american country they had once immigrated from sat in the row ahead of us on the bus back. her older children (a boy and a girl) were seated directly in front of us. loud and well out of control, nothing much was done to restrain them, though the mother made her son cry late in the trip. exhausted and understanding that john was as perturbed without asking, I didn't bring up the topic for quite a while. in a fairer mood, I guess I would've entertained conversation with the boy. however I don't have enough spanish (and never have despite six years) to string together a sentence. nevermind a conversation.

:: judy nguyen 6:08 PM [+] ::
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