:: heartattackmachine ::

:: Friday, March 28, 2003 ::

what indeed, I wonder, is a dan and judy joke?

:: judy nguyen 8:27 AM [+] ::
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this tape came in the mail today.

:: judy nguyen 4:07 PM [+] ::
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people should be out there protesting so that the assholes don't forget that war is wrong, but... I don't think I want my friends or the people I want to be my friends to be out there.
when john told me that even though it was easy enough to dismiss war as theory but that it hurt him now that it's right in front of him, I wanted to tell him to fuck off because his reason not to get more involved was a hope that there might not be a war instead of logic and/or feelings of futility in this particular situation. I saw this war from a million miles away and I'm sure many of you did too and there was, yes, at one point, a hope that there may not be a war. but very early on that hope was fucked. our government has told us many many times that our talk and that of the world's means shit to them.
I also want to tell people who are ashamed to be an american or people in other countries that are surprised and glad to hear that there are people against the war in this country to fuck the hell off too. like the actions of a few define the actions and feelings of a group. and what the fuck really is a group and has anyone heard the concept of the individual. get off your fucking high horse and stop moping around.
get your heads out of your asses and understand that there's nothing to do but watch now, even then only if you like (and I don't), and more importantly that there things we can do and that must be done and soon. we need people to protest the war, sure. they can protest to their hearts delight to keep their dissent on the public conscience, but the fucking election is next year and action must quickly shift to that. john said that he read somewhere that bush's election could've been just what we have hoped for. a conservative president with no care for world opinion and quite likely will leave any followers cold. clinton wanted wanted to get saddam too but he let protest kill that.
the 2004 democratic national convention will be here in boston. I'm thinking of that now. what are you?

:: judy nguyen 11:37 AM [+] ::
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anna (and you and whoever I ever write to can reply in email. well, if you feel like that. and I'll slap messages like this here when I feel that it has or could have some sort of... I'm not sure. public aspect to it.): it must've seemed somewhat convenient when I left clayton's with john to get food (and I didn't really eat) at that point. and partially it was.
you had said that I shouldn't go through therapy because everyone my age assumes that they'll be fucked in a way. but, no antipathy and this isn't the point and hell I'd like you to in the future, you don't know me that well. there are times (when I'm in them it seems like most of the time though when I'm not, I don't think of them effectively much at all) when blankness or anxiety (in certain social situations) manifest themselves very very physically. for a little more than a year or so, my sister has been passing out at stressful points and I wonder if that's something kind of genetic and I only barely keep myself from something like that. though she's more manifestly stressed than I. there are times when I'm really physically stressed that I can feel myself starting to shake and sometimes feel like I'm overheating and not right bodily. but whatever.
anyway, the point is and why I'm writing this and writing this here and now is that yeah there are many times when I don't like hearing people talk about me to me. but then I'm beginning to recognize a lot of those people as assholes. but then a few posts below (damn I'm posting a lot today) I was talking about how reading about my personality as it should be according to my birthday felt like I was having my soul stolen. I've been taking sociology courses and exposed to at least ideas of psychology and the effects of environment and recently I've been trying to dissect myself and find myself remembering things that I haven't, maybe even ever since they happened, and it's weird to look at myself like that and comforting. recently there have also been people (and that book) that after knowing who I am for a while offer information about who I am (usually when I really down). and though it's weird to see myself (that way. but I guess it's seeing myself at all), but however much I feel that my soul (or whatever) is being stolen, it's through the process of being given it back in a form that can be appreciated or worked on at all.

:: judy nguyen 9:55 PM [+] ::
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well, something I was going to make the last paragraph of the children post but didn't since I forgot. I knew anyway that it was off topic or would break the flow.
anyway, about the birthday entry, it brought a lot of clarity to things that I had independently concluded must have been a priori. my family background likely excaberated the symptoms of voyeurism and that scientific shit, but it didn't cause them like it probably really did cause the self-deprecation, paranoia, and severe social anxiety (which apparently didn't impair today when the hour and a half I spent today at my internship comprised of calling thousands of restaurants to confirm they were at our recorded addresses. my throat was getting dry.). with planets and numbers (I'm not sure how a tarot card is chosen) backed up by analysis of thousands of people, famous and not, I'm sure the soul idea can be further kicked aways. and another thing about family, I think that the personality my birthday has gifted also played a role in how I responded to my situation. something thoroughly smashing when I read my sister's entry (my youngest and other sister is still a kid and I'm not sure I see the "gift of words). it was really shocking and I promised kim that I'd type it out for her (though I think she probably doesn't care so much). I'll get it on this blog too probably, but there's something to knowing someone very well.

:: judy nguyen 8:39 PM [+] ::
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of course there are times when someone says that "oh yeah, prufock is in a whorehouse" or "oh yeah, mabel really conning ferguson into laying her" and everyone "yeah rights" in mrs. hilinski's readings in modern lit course, but I'd be lucky if the headaches were as far and few and not the nonstop nightmare it really is.
I'm not sure if the people my class really understand that there were real people out there that wrote what we're reading with real ideas in mind and not stuff to distort with either pillowly romantic ideals or potty humor sensibilities. paul auster said somewhere more articulately that if only certain people can write certain stories then maybe only certain people can only experience certain, well, experiences.
and I guess you can kick me if you think I'm an ass. there are people that know that can be as fucking easy as anything.

:: judy nguyen 7:03 PM [+] ::
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in the most painful way, I hope that when I'm old I feel right here. as you can see, I changed my headline. it's from one of those onelinedrawing's covers.
over cherry coke and coffee and ice cream, ryan said he couldn't stand kids. and yeah, I kind of feel like someone is trying to steal my soul when I read that entry on my birthday (maybe like melissa's experience on the plane), but if I had a kid and I was still feeling floaty then I guess I know I should be signing off. though I couldn't since I had kids. ha. well. I think it was anna that mentioned, out of his earshot, that bob's parents did a fucking good job. I don't know, but I found that kind of intimidating. yeah, children probably aren't in the cards in the foreseeable future (and I wonder if that only really extends into the next week), but I think I'd like to young and when it seems logically ok (is that an oxymoronic idea?)(I don't think that should sound hasty. a friend's wife had felt the same way. they have two children now, but I probably can't see any of the mitchell's until I return that cd. ha. right. though I really like them both.). I don't want a fucking hip trustfunder or anything that acts like what I'm trying to define.

:: judy nguyen 6:48 PM [+] ::
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coming down from my high and feeling kind of alone but still here (one step): I've realized that some of the things I found most enjoyable are the quiet ones. for me, at least, the bang would have to be pretty fucking big to pull my attention away from the whimper.
the comics jim's journal and palookaville and the pseudonymous musician onelinedrawing all exemplify people whom it's all too easy too imagine that they'll bleed if you cut them.
kim, if you're reading, you can stop looking since it's probably a goose chase.

:: judy nguyen 6:30 PM [+] ::
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from the secret language of birthdays
march twenty-third: the day of curiosity
people born on march 23 seem to be curious about everything, but their investigations into what they find around them usually come down to the most fundamental events, thoughts, feelings, and ideas concerning existence. questions of life and death, youth and old age, and basic human emotions are of the greatest interest to them. their approach to life is principally scientific, although they may or may not be scientists themselves, they are constantly digging, probing and testing what they come in contact with.
march 23 people will not accept any concept or idea until it has been tested, and will not advise others if they lack the facts to make a highly educated suggestion. they themselves make determinations about life based simply on what they observe. consequently, they are difficult to fool, since their decision-making process is informed by the hard bedrock of experience. on the other hand, their perceptions culled from such experience tend to become cherished and reluctantly abandoned. those born on this day may be rather stubborn insofar as they will not want to give up a theory no matter how much evidence is presented against it. once something has been proven true for them, they tend to cling to it.
those born on march 23 are extremely versatile and can make friends with people from the most varied walks of life. they are not afraid of taking risks, but must beware of gambling for its own sake, whether in the casino or in the still more hazardous world of everyday life. nonetheless, march 23 people have strong physical impulses which should be expressed, even when occasionally involving danger. although they usually stick to more traditional areas of exploration, they may also have an attraction for strange circumstances or people which come their way. this is simply a projection of their own highly unusual nature which so often remains unrevealed to the world.
those born on this day generally manifest an interest in and love for children, even if they themselves are childless. but this is not to imply that march 23 people are particularly childlike, fanciful, or playful. their approach to children is, as with most areas, basic, scientific, and effective, rather than subjective or emotional.
despite all their numerous areas of investigation, human beings remain the prime concern of march 23 people, particularly where development is concerned. again, this interest is primarily scientific, rather than being a search for warmth or comfort. therefore, those born on this day may be taken up with learning about others yet remain largely self-centered in their personal lives. they may also be mistaken for gregarious personalities when they are in fact just curious.
numbers and planets
those born on the 23rd of the month are ruled by the number 5 (2+3=5), and by the planet mercury. those born on march 23 may not only be somewhat nervous or high-strung (mercurial), but also particularly energetic due to the influence of mars, ruler of aries. number 5 people change their areas of interest with bewildering rapidity but are rarely bored, as even the most ordinary of subjects holds a fascination for them; they collect facts and explore things to the last detail. in any month, the 23rd day is one of happenings, but this day at the beginning of the sign of aries produces people both electrically drawn to excitement and capable of radiating it.
tarot
the 5th card of the major arcana is the hierophant, an interpreter of sacred mysteries who is symbolic of human understanding and of faith. his knowledge is esoteric and he has authority over things unseen. favorable traits conferred by this card are self-assuredness, absence of doubt and proper interpretation; unfavorable traits are moralizing, bombast, and dogmatism.
health
although march 23 people may display little concern for their own health, reading and studies will have at least informed them about what is best for human beings in general. they problem is getting them to apply this knowledge to themselves. they should always be appealed to on objective, rational grounds, for if made to see how a healthy approach will improve their ability to work or to study, then they may adopt it. if not, forget it. because of their relentless, obsessive curiosity about the nature of things and how they work, march 23 people may be prone to mental fatigue. anything that those born on this day can do to ground themselves (sex, sleep, or athletics) is in general a good idea.
advice
keep calm. never treat people like specimens, no matter how interesting they are to study. cultivate your sensuous side. avoid being didactic and listen to others. don’t be so self-involved.
meditation
within the microcosm and the macrocosm there are worlds in their own time and space.
strengths
interesting
versatile
caring
weaknesses
overinvolved
voyeuristic

:: judy nguyen 1:28 PM [+] ::
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j'adore (improved)

:: judy nguyen 8:57 AM [+] ::
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keith, I was going to fix it so you would stop yer whining. but turns up you're already on my blog.

:: judy nguyen 8:26 PM [+] ::
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I had written a long entry. but it's gone now. a tear.
anyway, I guess a rundown. when I try to go to john's blog on his computer I often initially wind up at this site and I have the weird feeling that I'm being told something even though I'm absolutely comfortable with my relationship with religion. I have morality, I have uncertainty, and when and if sartre's line gets drawn under my life, I can more than assume that I will be fine. to me, christ's importance resides in his incredible love. I'm reading lenny bruce's autobiography, and though I guess most, like john and nick the other day, feel that from whatever they know from him that he's indistiguishable among comedians because of the presence of "extreme" comedy today," from what I've read and what the introduction writers have said, he seemed to have bled love. and I can't understand why people who love to that degree are sainted, as if we can't.
the post was a little more flowery and leisurely before. just believe.
anyway, a thanks to nick, melissa, mike, bob, and anna for making the past couple of nights sort of stunning.
blah. geesh.

:: judy nguyen 7:51 PM [+] ::
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I turn 20 on the 23rd
will there be presents?

:: judy nguyen 9:23 AM [+] ::
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I saw a couple condoms while I walked through the reliable parking lot this morning. they were twisted and looked small. I'm not sure how this made me feel. some kind of tragic.
things and people look different than they used to.

:: judy nguyen 11:59 AM [+] ::
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