:: heartattackmachine ::

:: Friday, May 30, 2003 ::

PLEASE FORWARD TO FRIENDS, C0-WORKERS, THE DISPOSSESSED

Have you ever suffered odd, perhaps inexplicable, symptoms? A mystery rash that appears during lunch breaks? Debilitating fatigue/headaches/backaches in the wake of a bad breakup? Sleepwalking? The upcoming psychology issue of Stay Free! will include a lengthy discussion about psychosomatic health problems. We'd like to hear personal anecdotes regarding any experiences you've had--peculiar or poignant--with non-organic health problems, including bouts of hypochondria (brain cancer scares, carpal tunnel concerns, penis panics), unusual allergies, and temporary mental health problems.

Responses can be anywhere from 2 sentences to 300 words and should, wherever applicable, include speculation about the cause of the problem.

Send to ----> stay.free@verizon.net

If you have any questions, just ask. We'll send you a copy of the magazine if we use your story.

much thanks,
Carrie & Alexandra

:: judy nguyen 3:12 PM [+] ::
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earlier I realized that I'm so attracted to elliott's gallatin and jamison's drugged, club-oriented bright lights and big city because of their seductive qualities, perhaps personal to me.
now I don't think I'd have those lives at my own and maybe it's only in the face of them, me struck quivering, that I can't really confirm "no, that's not my life." but maybe that's only a lie.

:: judy nguyen 6:50 PM [+] ::
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ok?
google: "judy nguyen", "ryan p"

:: judy nguyen 3:12 PM [+] ::
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I noticed I didn't publish last time. funny. not really. if you've been keeping up to date, what happened with that one post really aggravated me. and was creepy.

last night, I went to my sister's pride night. dullsville. I think I only went because I fantasized about telling mr. moulton that I was writing a novel. and smooshing the details of my life in the last couple of years in several other lucky faces. but I think that misguided. and there's no reason for dan to be there.
we got there late so we had to sit on the stairs. it sucked on my ass and when my dad arrived I did all I could do to make negative physical contact. though he bought me whatever I wanted at the supermarket today (cadbury's fruit and nut, apricots, dole fruit cups, fuji apples). I can slip a couple things into my mom's cart sometimes, and I didn't really get much. so maybe not a big deal.
I barely knew anyone, and sometimes I use that fact to further attack my self-esteem. but hell, I knew virtually everyone in my class and a few in 2003 so maybe that's misguided, too. tom michaud was inducted into nhs. he had a brilliant personality, and I had a small crush on him. I hope my sister didn't catch to my minor badgering.

:: judy nguyen 3:05 PM [+] ::
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my blogger interface is finally working for me and I went back and fixed old posts.
oh, and I'm writing a novel?

:: judy nguyen 1:19 PM [+] ::
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it must be terrible to feel powerless.  when we both never talk to you again, will you know it was your fault?

:: judy nguyen 11:45 AM [+] ::
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my comments seem effed up too.

You are Marcus


Which CAPGAS member are you?
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:: judy nguyen 12:23 PM [+] ::
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my cumulative gpa crawled up a measly .4 points after this semester's grades to a 2.71.  I may never study in london. but I probably can't get myself to care enough to actively bump up my grades while riding on anything more than personal, initial interest.

:: judy nguyen 11:29 AM [+] ::
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You are a chickenshit wimp. You punk. You'll never
amount to anything because you don't have the
guts to even tell the truth.


What the hell is wrong with you?!?
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:: judy nguyen 11:10 AM [+] ::
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the new dreams are wearying. I remember snippets of one last night where somehow I had come to newburyport and got yelled at for making a mess of the souvenir fire hats. somehow I got back to boston. then I and john headed to an (my) imagined and local friend of his. I think the house was nothing too worth mentioning. I heard something about his winning the lottery once and all the related, depleting tax talk. we went out to his pool or backyard where it was located. though it wasn't really a yard and for some reason the back of the house led right out onto the water. he had a chaise lounge attached from the back of the house to the edge of the neighboring pool, lying on the water or sea. I got on it and from anticipation, I either fearfully thrased on the seat or lay frigidly still. thinking about this dream just turns my mind. well I think we pull the pool toward the house, the spot previously mentioned somehow disapearing. and I don't really question this somehow while dreaming. we get in and the pool's more like a large hot tub or maybe a kiddie pool. it's connected to the "sea" again, and likewise, interesting characters pop up and... again, thinking about this makes me feel like a real dumbass. I think I'm finished here.

:: judy nguyen 11:02 AM [+] ::
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I think I might write a letter to joe sullivan. sure, none of you reading know he is. a kid from high school I could say casually here, or maybe I could go into it.
the most important part of the story I guess is that I might not write the letter or send the letter I write, sending it to the fate of other hundreds in my life. but I've never felt so strongly that I should I write this one.

:: judy nguyen 4:00 PM [+] ::
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I hate how blogger is still fucked up for me. it would be nice if html actually worked.
in other news, I have updated my list of friends. my adoration is but a small gift from me to you.

:: judy nguyen 12:03 PM [+] ::
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matrix reloaded
what a bunch of action/dune bullcrap

:: judy nguyen 5:03 PM [+] ::
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my dreams have taken a very hyper tone lately. I think they are the same kind of dreams I've had before (ambiguous but neutral environments, people who I think represent those I know), but they have been at least speeded up by tenfold and seem far more surreal. it's to the point where I think it's impossible to remember almost anything when I wake up.
lately it doesn't seem as if I have to work to make my surroundings seem reasonable. maybe this way I've been storing up mental energy.

:: judy nguyen 1:38 PM [+] ::
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June 1964-graduation time-honorary degrees were being handed out all over the place. The TV show, That Was The Week That Was, bestowed on me-or rather upon a photograph of me with a graduation cap superimposed on my head-an honorary Doctor of Letters: "To the man who won fame using them four at a time."
I'm really so fed up with the "dirty word" thing. People think, Christ, I'm obsessed with that. But I just have to defend myself because you don't know how much I'm attacked on it. Every time I go on the road, the papers are filled with it.
Now I'll say "a Jew" and just the word Jew sounds like a dirty word, and people don't know whether to laugh or not. They'll seem so brazen. So there's just silence until they know I'm kidding, and then they'll break through.
A Jew.
In the dictionary, a Jew is one who is descended from the ancient tribe of Judea, but-I'll say to an audience-you and I know what a Jew is: one who killed our Lord. Now there's dead silence there after that.
When I did this in England, I said, "I don't know if you know that over here, but it got a lot of press in the States." Now the laughs start to break through. "We did it about two thousand years ago, and there should be a statute of limitations with that crime." Now they know-the laughter's all there-but I'm not kidding, because there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, and those who pose as Christians-paraphrasing Shakespeare-neither having the gait of Christians nor the actions of Christians-still make the Jews pay their dues.
I go from a pedantry (Shakespeare) to the hip argot (pay their dues) for another deuce.
Then I ask, why should Jews pay these dues? Granted that we killed him and he was a nice guy; although there was some talk that we didn't kill Christ, we killed Gesmas, the one on the left. (There were, you recall, three who got done in that day.) But I confess that we killed him, despite those who said that Roman soldiers did it.
Yes, we did it. I did it. My family. I found a note in my basement: "We killed him-signed, Morty."
"Why did you kill Christ, Jew?"
"We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why."
Now sometimes I'll get sort of philosophical with it and maybe a little maudlin: "We killed him at his own request, because he was sad-he knew that people would use him."
Or sometimes I will tag it with, "Not only did we kill him, but we're gonna kill him again when he comes back.
-Lenny Bruce, How to Talk Dirty and Influence People

:: judy nguyen 1:34 PM [+] ::
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there's someone I kind of want to fuck up very bad. but I think I've wanted this before and just hung the issue up on the wall. waiting to be taken down again instead of just trashed. this person made a particularly juicy comment (in this context) on another's livejournal that I wanted to quote or reference here. but I know I can't.
fantasies have been running through my head.
(I'm trying to post this and a few next entries through email since blogger doesn't like me right now. see what happens.)

:: judy nguyen 1:33 PM [+] ::
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while packing up I found all my ticket stubs that I thought I had lost. I threw them all out. who needs them.
I also found a tube of pink lip gloss from a now defunct chain. applying it, the smell reminded me of pink liquid antibiotics. I always kind of liked that stuff.

:: judy nguyen 10:41 AM [+] ::
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I feel so drained. but have yet to be really sad.

:: judy nguyen 9:12 AM [+] ::
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I don't know if I feel very well. was sick earlier today when I hauled my ass out of bed, up onto a bus, down into the subway for an exam at 9 am. picking at an omelet I knew I couldn't eat but should've. and I'm still not hungry.
while I procrastinate on studying, a list of songs I came up with yesterday assigned to certain mythic and/or close individuals:
deathly [aimee mann] -- dan l.
exit music (from a film) [radiohead] -- david w.
dindi [astrud gilberto] -- elliott b.
alison [elvis costello] -- john g.
and enough of that...

:: judy nguyen 9:29 AM [+] ::
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I'm not sure what studying leads to except hand cramps and brain fatigue.
yet back I go to it.

:: judy nguyen 3:20 PM [+] ::
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increasingly, I've thought about writing a book. I understand a couple of you reading are in the process.
earlier, when I first started this blog,* I came up with some questions about the tie between beauty and weakness.** a couple days ago I thought about the jester and king images when we were listening to american pie on milcah's filene's-purchased record player and what they say about the movement within society... but it'd probably be more interesting to pull out several details of my life and write a pseudo-fictionalized memoir.
in other news, having a difficult time trying on makeup at a stila counter at a mall in a dream I just woke up from a little time ago, I pulled a single contact*** from my eye and dropped it on the floor. I think I stepped on it.

---

*you can dig
**I felt last night that my life was a wave of tragedy. or during the formative years and maybe it's exactly all that I'm used to.*
***I remember earlier in the dream not putting in a complete pair.

---

*maybe john will tell some of you why, but it took a lot of heavy breathing to keep me from killing myself. there have only been so few times when I have felt as bad.

:: judy nguyen 7:47 AM [+] ::
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some realization. enlightenment later? if I'm feeling courageous.

:: judy nguyen 9:48 PM [+] ::
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I can't think. submit and go upstairs to listen to a certain music channel.

:: judy nguyen 3:43 PM [+] ::
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that. that makes my head explode.

:: judy nguyen 3:21 PM [+] ::
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went to new york the last couple of days. it was good. even when mistakenly walking down w. 11th to the river.*
I spent a lot of time outside, on my feet, alone. though yes, sometimes, it's hard to burn six and a half hours, especially knowing that you'll see someone later on. or maybe just in general. but mostly, I liked that aloneness. the individual experience. it's part of the reason why I regretted telling alan what I did. and weird to even mention to the person I did it with. it's hard to explain in a way like it was hard to experience.

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*I went into that cupcake shop. just because it was on the street. at the time, I felt the smell of chocolate nauseating. not the right time for cupcakes.

:: judy nguyen 3:10 PM [+] ::
...